The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

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The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by Ash The Hedgehog on Mon Mar 22, 2010 9:20 am

Do you need improvement to your fancharacter? Do you need help making a fancharacter? Do you need help making a backstory? Do you need help deciding what they should look like, be like, who they should be related to? If so, please post here and tell us your problem. We'll do our very best to help you!

EDIT: If you think someone's fan character needs improvement [in a field] please give us a holler.


Last edited by Ash The Hedgehog on Mon Mar 22, 2010 3:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by XNinjaRed on Mon Mar 22, 2010 11:29 am

...
Sooo... you don't think your own Fancharacter needs improvement?
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by Ash The Hedgehog on Mon Mar 22, 2010 3:41 pm

Of course I do. Does anyone have any suggestions for either of my two fan characters?
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by XNinjaRed on Mon Mar 22, 2010 4:28 pm

Well, first off describe in detail your characters first.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by Ash The Hedgehog on Mon Mar 22, 2010 8:25 pm

Of course. Here you go:

Full name: Ashley Janessa the Hedgehog (Janessa is her middle name)
Nickname: Ash
Gender: Girl
Race: Hedgehog
Age: Fifteen
Color: Sky blue
Eye Color: Dark green; her eyes are the same color as Sonic’s eyes are
Shoes: Light mint green shoes
Favorite Color: Light mint green
Clothes: A light mint green tank top and dark blue jeans.
Attitude: She’s not arrogant, but she finds her strength inside herself, often feeding from anger. Since she gets into many accidents (from skateboarding, etc.) she has a few scars, but they are almost invisible or hidden underneath her clothes.
Likes: Cold, water, adventure, a good book, Guitar Hero
Dislikes: Heat, boredom, many things
Powers: None.
Weapon: Small pistol, usually at her belt.
Theme Song: Don’t Let Me Get Me by P!nk (until further notice, as it is changed a lot).

Full Name: William Dimitri the Hedgehog (Dimitri is his middle name)
Nickname: Will
Gender: Boy
Race: Hedgehog
Age: Sixteen
Color: Black
Eye Color: Dark grey, almost black.
Shoes: Black shoes
Attitude: Comforting when needed, sweet, brave, willing to risk himself if the others are saved (but will not stop fighting until that is the certain fate), will stay with a girl if he knows he loves her, extremely cool.
Clothes: None.
Family: He has a sister named Amber, who is nine years older than him.
Crush: Ash, and deny and suffer
Crush on himself: Ash thinks about it.
Dislikes: Fast food, Team Chaotix (they are such a PAIN), Shadow (because he sees him as competition for Ash), anyone after Ash.
Hobbies: Riding his motorcycle, thinking, writing, making fun of TV programs, etc.
Power: Mind powers (the complete thing, hypnosis, reading, etc.), water powers (including the ability to breathe underwater and make water come out of nowhere), fire powers (he is flameproof, and can do everything he does with water with fire, including making waterproof fire). He can mimic everything perfectly, like a tape recorder (even if there are multiple noises).
Theme Song: All The Right Moves by OneRepublic.


Last edited by Ash The Hedgehog on Tue Mar 30, 2010 4:29 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by SchnickelMatt on Mon Mar 22, 2010 10:36 pm

TEH CHARACTERS ARE HERE

Name: Blade
Species: Porcupine
Age: 16
Height: 4'
Fur color: Brown
Eye color: Brown
Quotes: ''Well, wasn't that fun?''
''I think I have too much blood in my caffeine system...''
Theme: What It Is- The Dire Straits
Usually sarcastic, friendly. Can't really jump very high. stronger than Sonic yet is not as fast. He acts sort of like a vigilante, helping where needed, but really, he enjoys living lazily in the Mystic Ruins. He was born in deep forest, but has never known his parents. The reason for this is that when he was young, someone stole him from them. He fights by rolling at high speeds into the foe, stabbing them with his sharp quills. When he was very young, he found his way to a hidden forest hidden by a range of steep hills in the outskirts of the Mystic ruins. he was raised and taught how to read and write by the animals there. This forest was attacked by the Dr. and burned down when he was eleven, and he was the only survivor. He snuck onto a cruise ship that was docked in the Mystic Ruins. there, he met Gareth, who was working as a busboy on the ship. After they disembarked from the ship, Gareth and he went on their separate ways, but Blade followed Gareth.Gareth was living in the forest with his sister. He found that they were both in the same boat, not having any parents, so they started to live near eachother. Gareth thinks of Blade as a little brother.
Types of quills:
Regular- These quills are around a half-inch at the diameter at the bottom. They can be used for a wide array of things, but they have no specialty. Blade has the most of these.
Heavy- These quills are about 1.5 inches at diameter on the bottom. they are very heavy and can be used to way down things. They also hurt a good bit when you're hit with one, but they're not incredibly sharp, only moderately.
Light- These are the precision quills. they are a quarter of an inch in diameter. These are very light quills, and are incredibly sharp. they need a lot of precise aim, though, and can be used in an enemy's weak spot.
Climbing- These quills are about an inch in diameter. They are long rods about 7 inches long, and are very hardy. They are fairly sharp. Blade can use this to climb up walls or rock faces by holding one in each hand and climbing.
Paralysis: These quills are injected with a paralyzing poison that last about an hour. they are an inch in diameter.
Serrated- the last type of quill is very thin, but strong. One side of it is serrated and can be used for cutting things like wood.
Moves: Spin Slash: Blade's form of a Spin Dash. Blade rolls up into a ball and extends his quills. He can charge up and roll in any direction, and cause lots of damage. It can also be used for traction on a slippery surface.
Quill throw- Blade grabs a quill from his back and can throw it at an enemy, see quill types above. He can regrow quills after a few minutes.
Spike Meteor: Blade jumps off of a ledge and rolls up, headed fr the ground at high speed, quills outstretched.
Quill Punch: Blade grabs six quills and puts them between his fingers, using them as punching daggers.
Super form: Blade loses most of the control over what he does, but he can somewhat influence what goes on. Blade's eyes turn orange, and he emanates with orange energy. He can roll through the sky at the speed of sound in this form, and his spikes extend to over a foot. He can activate this with the Chaos Emeralds, Master Emerald, or when in danger of death. He can also activate it by himself if he concentrates extremely hard, but the energy it takes to do this causes him to be unconscious after using the form, and unable to attack for a while.
Weaknesses: He's not that fast when he's not rolling. He can't jump too high. once he runs out or loses all of his quills, he's pretty much helpless until he regains them. His sarcasm and will to fight often get the best of him.

Name: X-333 ZETA
Species: Robot
Time of creation unknown.
Height: 5' 9”
Black and yellow colored.
Red eyes
Theme: Cliffs of Dover- Eric Johnson
Created by Professor Gerald Robotnik as the being made to defeat the BioLizard. When he was presumed a failed experiment, he was sent down to the Earth. After Shadow hit the Earth after the fight with the FinalHazard, he was awakened and discovered by Dr. Eggman. He is slightly larger than Omega and has a bigger build. Can shoot heat beams from his eyes and missiles from his hands, plus an assortment of lazers and guns all over his body.
Weaknesses: Too much water short circuits him, he is made to serve Eggman, which is pretty bad.

Name: Gareth
Species: Echidna
Age: 21
Height: 4'5''
Fur color: Black
Eye color: Teal
Quotes: ''Confidence is ignorance. If you're getting cocky, you don't know something.''
Theme: Baba O'Riley: The Who
Mostly keeps to himself, doesn't talk much. Usually when he does talk, you should listen to him. He looks like Knuckles with black fur, no punching gloves, and his dread locks are shorter and go back a bit further. He wears black leather gloves and a Dark blue vest, usually has sunglasses, and black heavy duty rain boots. At his belt he has a sword hilt, which he can pull out and imbue with electric energy to use as a blade, and when he forces it into the ground it can streak out lightning. He can also cause shockwaves through his palms if pressed against something. Although he doesn't keep sides, he usually fights for the greater good. Gareth was born and raised by two loving parents, and his father fought in the army. When his father was killed in a fight, Gareth vowed he'd get back at the enemy army. (Eggman's) He needed to work, however, to build a better life for his mother, so he took a job on a cruise ship. One day he returned to find a note from his mother that said she ran away, and not to look for her. After this day, Gareth completely sealed his heart off from anybody but his younger sister. He kept the job for a little while after, but one day he decided would be his last, coincidentally the day he met Blade.
Moves:
Lightning Sword: Gareth takes his hilt and imbues energy into it, using it as a blade.
Shockwave: Gareth plunges his sword into the earth and sends up a wall of electricity going in all directions around it.
Electroshock: Gareth pushes his palm up against an enemy and sends electricity through them, blowing them back
Electrokinesis: Gareth can send a bolt of lightning at anything and create a stasis field around it with which he can manipulate the object.
Bolt: Gareth sends a bolt of lightning into the air, causing a lightning storm.
Lightning ball: Gareth puts his hands out facing eachother, about a foot apart. He sends electricity from one at the other, until a ball of electricity is formed between them which he can hurl at an enemy.
Super form: Gareth turns completely white, and his eyes turn a dark blue. He has no control over what he does in this form, but his form will go after what caused him to go into it. He can control electricity with this form, and cause massive damage. This is a highly hazardous form, and if he has contact with water in it, he will die. This form cannot be self-induced, unless he has the Chaos Emeralds or Master Emerald. If he uses the emeralds to go into the form, he can have a little control over it. This form can also come out if he feels immense inner pain and sadness, and when he goes into the form, he will go after the one who caused the sadness.
Weaknesses: WATER, terribly bad for him, just a little can kill him. His attachment to his sister sometimes hinders him.

Nathan
Species: Falcon
Age: 17
Height: 3'11''
Wingspan: 6'
Color: Light and Dark brown
Eye color: Grey
Quotes: ''How's the weather down there?''
Theme:On Every Street: the Dire Straits
Nathan is blind. He can fly well by using echolocation, however, and can see pretty much 97% of everything he'd regularly see. He attacks by slicing with his wings, and he can fly for a s long as he wants, quite quickly. He is also capable of running somewhat speedily. He can't swim.
Nathan looks sort of like one of the bird people in Wind Waker. He usually can be pretty laid back, but he won't talk about his past with anyone and he always seems like he has done something he's ashamed of. He fights for the good side. He was good friends with Blade in the forest, but Blade thought he had died in the fire. He later discovers he's alive when when he's 15.
Moves:
Wing Slice: Nathan uses his sharp wings to slice and hack at an enemy.
Feather Volley: While in the air, Nathan can send down a volley of sharp feathers at a foe.
Beak attack: Nathan uses his beak to stab at an enemy, which can also expose any weak points.
Dive bomb: While airborne, Nathan can tuck in his wings and swoop down at high speeds to hit an enemy.
Spiral flight: Nathan spreads his wings out and glides quickly in a spiral pattern at an airborne enemy, using his beak and wings.
Super form: Nathan's wings light on fire, and his eyes completely turn red. He can control himself in this form, that is to say he is still in control over his emotions and his body. He can fly and glide at incredible speeds in this form, and he streaks fire behind him where he goes. He can also shoot fire down from his wings, and when he divebombs into anyone, it can guarantee a lot of damage. He goes into this form when angered, so it's a good idea to stay on his good side. He can also self-induce this form with the Chaos Emeralds and Master Emerald, and by himself. However, if he does it himself, it doesn't last long, and afterward, he won't be able to fly for a while.
Weaknesses: His blindness, he can't see some things and can't read. He is also a sucker for any young lady...

Name: Kiera
Species: Echidna
Age: 18
Height: 4'3''
Fur Color: Light brown
Eye Color: Orange
Quotes: ''You wish you could fight like a girl.'' ''Ladies first!''
Theme: Miss Murder: AFI
She can run pretty quickly, but is a very experienced swimmer. She is much stronger on land however. She draws her power from the earth, and can manipulate it a little. When she is knocked down, the earth can heal her, and it is very hard to kill her on land. she learned to swim and practiced it a lot so she could be safer. She can change a rock into any shape she wants in her hand. She has a gun which can be loaded with sharpened rocks, and a sword which can be fortified with rocks.
She usually wears a black pair of gaucho pants with dark brown short-sleeved shirt on top. She always ties her long hair back with a ponytail, and has one hoop in her left ear. she is quite sassy, and bites back, hard. She can get a bit hot-tempered as well. She was raised by her parents until her father died, and she was out when her mother left. After that, she started living in the forest with Gareth. She has a crush on Blade, but he is completely oblivious to it.
Moves:
Rock fist: Kiera summons earth up to cover her fist, maximizing punching power.
Earth Blade: Kiera covers her sword with small stones, making it much harder.
Earth Rush: Kiera moves the ground underneath her, propelling her toward an enemy full speed to attack.
Rock volley: Kiera takes many small pointed stones and fires them at an enemy.
Earthquake: Kiera causes a small earthquake in her vicinity. This takes a lot of energy.
Super Form: Kiera starts to emanate white energy, and her eyes turn completely white. In this state she can completely control the element of earth, and is quite a force to be reckoned with. She has control over herself in this form, but can be easily angered in it. In other words, she is somewhat emotionally unstable. She can dig under the earth and move through it incredibly quickly in this form. She can go into this form with the Chaos Emeralds, Master emerald, or if she becomes incredibly afraid, especially for her or someone else's life.
Weaknesses: Water, although she has trained up a good immunity, and she is stricken with terrible vertigo. If there is no ground around her, she is quite weak.
My human character (I use him for all intents and necessary purposes) is Matt Mark Sumner, usually quite funny and friendly, can be sarcastic.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by XNinjaRed on Mon Mar 29, 2010 9:33 am

Alright, first up let me tell you that my words can sound harsh, but I in no way am insulting you.
Please keep that in mind, there is nothing personal, it's just that if I found something that in my opinion is terribly wrong, I'll say that. Okay?

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:Full name: Ashley Janessa the Hedgehog (Janessa is her middle name)
Nickname: Ash
Gender: Girl
Race: Hedgehog
Age: Fifteen
Color: Sky blue
Eye Color: Dark green; her eyes are the same color as Sonic’s eyes are
Shoes: Light mint green shoes
Favorite Color: Light mint green
Good so far.


Ash The Hedgehog wrote:Clothes: Usually she wears a light mint green tank top with white stripes on the diagonal and light mint green jeans that go down around a little higher than her knees
*sigh* Look, I have nothing against Girl Sonic characters having clothes, logically because any girl in Sonic basically has clothes, or at least a dress. But you got to realize that the clothes of the girls in the Sonic franchise are not in anyway complex. They are made like that so it's easy on the eyes. Keep that in mind and try to give her a bit less complex clothing.

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:Crush: She is madly in love with William the Hedgehog
Crush on herself: William the Hedgehog, from here to the moon
Attitude: Around Will, she can’t help but to flirt, but she still acts herself. When it comes to fighting, or adventure, she acts completely tomboyish. She’s not arrogant, but she finds her strength inside herself, often feeding from anger. Since she gets into many accidents (from skateboarding, etc.) she has a few scars, but they are almost invisible or hidden underneath her clothes.
I'll be honest, I don't care about any kind of romance that happens in the Sonic-related universe, but considering she's a fanfic characters, and fanfiction somehow has some kind of must to have a relationship somewhere, I'll just let that slide. That said though, if you ARE going to have a character that has a relationship, then it's a lot more interesting to see problems arise in the relationship, or problems on GETTING to the relationship then as to basically make it perfect from the beginning. As I'm seeing here, there is no doubt Ash and William will get together and be a happy family, blah blah blah. If that's what happened, then I basically lost all interest. If there was an actual obstacle they both have to face to get to their relationship, or an obstacle that gives their relationship a challenge, then I'd be interested. Alternatively, if you HAVE to put them in a relationship at LEAST give us a reason to care about it. See if we followed them all the way from what trouble they had to GET to the relationship and then see how their relationship went right, we'd have a reason to follow them, as the readers get the feeling of accomplishment for the characters. If that's not there, they'll just HAVE to take your word on it that it's a good relationship and that is NOT how literature works. The fighting attitude is acceptable.

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:Family: Sonic, her twin brother is older than her by ten minutes
... *sigh* Sure, why not...

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:Likes: Cold, water, adventure, a good book, Guitar Hero
What in ANY way does liking Guitar Hero add to the story? I can imagine her liking the cold being a plotdevice, I can imagine water and adventure putting her in interesting situations, a good book maybe for a Storybook Series like story, Guitar Hero? How can you add it in a story and NOT, I repeat, NOT make it sound gimmicky?

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:Dislikes: Heat, boredom, many things
Heat is interesting, boredom I guess is in the family. You know, I can't critisize well if you just simply put "many things" there. Give me something that causes conflict, something that actually makes me realize what kinds of things can be difficult for her. Don't give me conflict that's basically nothing but "the villain is stronger then me!".

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:Hobbies: Guitar Hero, being with Will, pulling a good prank on her brother (however, they are very good friends), ghost hunting (after having their own crew for a while, her friends and her were accepted into TAPS, which created a new branch for the kids), playing guitar.
So TAPS just "suddenly" thought it was a great idea to create a new branch for the kids? You know if something happened, please tell me how it happened. Was it something Ash did? I hope not, because that would certainly be a Mary Sue trait. Was it something Sonic did? Was it something Tails did? I need answers, don't just give me "She's accepted in TAPS who just happened to have a kids branch now!"

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:Powers: She can create force fields,
Oh really... Why just give a her a random power?

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:make herself invisible,
Good bye Espio. You just became useless because some girl just got your power because the author said so.

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:breathe underwater,
I guess I can accept this one. It's something that would make her an interesting character without basically going the Mary Sue route. It's not immediately something that makes her better then other characters but it's something that makes her useful.

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:and make certain things explode (this is a habit that happens without her control).
I HOPE you're joking...

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:Her main power is called “Mind Control” but is not actually controlling someone’s mind. Since it is controlling her mind, she is sometimes unable to control it, and she is still learning how to use it. She can do many things with this power, causing damage to one person or a wide area/group. If you want more information, I can only suggest reading my stories.
Let me ask you this. IF she masters this power, HOW does it NOT make her a Mary Sue? I'm sorry, but you just gotta hear the harsh truth. You can go try to explain it in the story all you want, but all I'm seeing here a big key to make your character more likable then she should be just by giving her a power. Give me something that makes me care about her instead of a girl who's gonna save the day with her boyfriend.

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:She can fly at the speed of light by using her powers to create a hover board, which is like a light purple oval.
NO! NO! No, you do NOT do that! That just DOES NOT HAPPEN! Make her special all you want but do NOT give her this! The hover board can maybe stay, but do NOT let it fly at the speed of EFFING light! Super Sonic can go the Speed of Light, you know why? Because he's a friggin Deus Ex Machina Character, which by the way is obtained by getting all the Chaos Emeralds, making it justified. Sonic can only go the Speed of Sound. Why don't you just throw Sonic into the trashcan, huh? I mean, why would I care about Sonic, the main character, if his little twin sister can do his specialty TIMES 1000?! Why would I care about Sonic? Should I NOT care about Sonic and simply care about Ash? Then that's failing too because all I see in Ash, if that was the case, is the girl who replaced Sonic because the Author wants it. Do NOT give her the ability to fly at the speed of light. Heck if you were a talented writer, you'd make her an interesting character WITHOUT giving her super speed AT ALL! The hover board power isn't really something I like either, but that's small compared to the Speed of Light thing. So either don't have the hover board power, or give me a LOGICAL reason that Ash can do it, but Sonic can't.

I'll continue with William some other time.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by Ash The Hedgehog on Mon Mar 29, 2010 9:54 am

Okay.

1. I'm afraid that she's a bit of a Mary-Sue, I will say that.
2. Her clothes have changed, but she has two outfits now.
3. I've had her for about 2 years...and since there was no bashing allowed on the first Sonic site I was on, I was not able to give any constructive criticism.
4. There's something called fanfictions, I has them. If I put every single damn detail, this would eat up two pages.
5. I edited her powers a bit:
a) before great showdown: she can run, fly, and swim about 600 MPH, less than the speed of sound.
b) after great showdown: she can run, fly, and swim about 700 MPH, about the speed of sound, but remember: Sonic still runs faster.
c) after great showdown: effortlessly, she can jump six feet in the air, etc., but also has the ability to turn her powers off and on (good when she's in human form).
d) when she gets older (about 20) and her powers are on, she can see sound waves.

Okay, there have been ups and downs in the relationship. Those, too, come with stories.

Before the showdown she does not have very good control over her powers. After, it gets much better but still is not perfct.

I'll write more when I get back on.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by XNinjaRed on Mon Mar 29, 2010 10:54 am

You can say she does not have perfect control over it all you want, but my question still stands.

IF she's gonna be able to fully control it eventually, then HOW are you gonna write her WITHOUT making her a Mary Sue?

I'm sorry to say this, but I was basically telling you that a power like that is basically one big sign saying "I'm powerful! LOVE ME!"

And whether their relationship has it's ups and downs happening in the story, I don't friggin care. If there is a conflict, say it out loud inside the sheet. Don't go telling me to read the story to find out they had a temporary falling out because they didn't share ice cream. Give me a conflict that is actually difficult for those two to cross. Difficult enough that I'm able to SEE that there can be a problem in their relationship just by reading the Character Sheet.

It can be as something simple as Ash having her parents killed by a Clan and that William happened to be a member of the clan. It's easy and it shows a conflict that's difficult to cross for the both of them. I'm not saying you should do exactly that, but just give me SOMETHING that makes me interested in the relationship besides "They're together and love eachother very much".

Just so you know, I purposely didn't read your fanfic because I wanted to make myself the most unbiased reviewer. What I see is gonna be what I get.

Oh and again, give me a good reason why Ash can fly. Seriously, if she can "almost" reach Speed of Sound, but is able to Fly and Swim as well, then my point still stands tall. Why would I want Sonic?
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by Ash The Hedgehog on Mon Mar 29, 2010 2:45 pm

Well, I'm not going to be a jerk and ban you just for hitting me in a soft spot, but I will say, sometimes, things need to be guessed. Also, when she's actually married is when she has her kids. Truly, she doesn't waste her time fighting Eggman. She has different enemies, and therefore needs different powers to fight them. By the time that she's old, she does what she needs to for defending, etc., and Sonic may or may not continue––but that's when she can finally control herself.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by SchnickelMatt on Mon Mar 29, 2010 6:27 pm

So... she is Sonic, but a fraction slower, although she can control people's minds, breathe underwater, make force fields, blow things up, and become invisible. She's like, Super Sonic, but Super-er.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by Ash The Hedgehog on Mon Mar 29, 2010 7:12 pm

SchnickelMatt wrote:So... she is Sonic, but a fraction slower, although she can control people's minds, breathe underwater, make force fields, blow things up, and become invisible. She's like, Super Sonic, but Super-er.

I said: she does not control people's minds. The truth is, I get bashed for Ash all the time. But I make the improvements I can and then brace myself for the next round of bashing.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by SonicFanPS2 on Mon Mar 29, 2010 7:44 pm

Your fan characters really aren't bad, Ash.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by XNinjaRed on Tue Mar 30, 2010 12:22 am

Look, you want me to critisize your character and hear possible improvements. I gave them to you. I'm not ordering you around to actually remove those things, but I'm just showing that there's a REASON your characters can get bashed if that's how you write them.

You know, let me give you an example of what the difference is between Ash (basically an amateur written character) and Sonic (which while not the best character, is at least BALANCED).

For starters, Ash simply has powers up the wazoo. Just random powers popping up out of nowhere. You can explain it in the story all you want, but me as a reader will just see it as new powers as the Plot Demands.

Just a little tip, if a character does get a new power but it's not gonna stay as part of it's character for a long duration of the story, DON'T put it in the character sheet. People don't put Sonic's powers of Sonic and the Black Knight in Sonic's character sheet because it's not part of his character. It's just something that he has one time, MAYBE twice.

In times when there's been a large character development, what you need to do is make a NEW character sheet where you describe the character. Show me what they gained AND what they lost in the character development.

Now what makes that different from Sonic? He has basically JUST two consistent powers, his speed and ability to use the Chaos Emeralds. How does he use Sonic Wind? His Speed. How does he do Sonic Boost? His Speed. How does he do the Spin Dash? His Speed. How does he do Chaos Control? The Chaos Emeralds.

The difference is that everything Sonic does is basically a VARIATION of one of two things. That is how you write a character.

Spider-man, what is his power? His Spider-reflexes and Webshooters. How does he dodge everything? Spider-reflexes. How does he swing through buildings? Webshooters. How does he blind everyone with webs? Webshooters. See?

Basically, don't try to make your character lovable by giving her powers and a boyfriend. Give her something we can admire. Give her something that MAKES me want to read about her. I'm reading a story, not a throne of how awesome a character is.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by Ash The Hedgehog on Tue Mar 30, 2010 2:55 pm

Ash's bio has been edited.

*Slices self, kisses everything she had for those marvelous two years goodbye: those thirty some stories, those best times ever with best friends...*
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by SonicFanPS2 on Tue Mar 30, 2010 4:09 pm

Marcas Ford
Age: 13
Place of Birth: In the world of Amestris(If you know what cameo I'm making)
Relatives: None
Bio: Sent to an orphanage at the age of 2, Marcas spent most of his life growing up in there. He made friends with the kids there, but seeing them get adopted....He felt abandoned by his own parents. Thus, he left the orphanage 10 years later to find out why his parents abandoned him.
After finally discovering where his home was, Marcas found out that the place was abandoned. It was in ruin, like it hadn't been lived in for years. He asked around the surrounding area's villagers to see what happened. They explained that the family who lived there went away to join the war in Ishbal. It was unknown if they were alive.

Marcas decided to find out any clues to where his parents where. He made the abandoned home his base of operations. He made friends with the villagers, often helping them out. He was friends with the little children down the road, often playing games with them. It was an enjoyable life.

During the night, he searched vigorously throughout the house. He looked through his father's library, through the closet, through the kitchen, anything that could give him a clue to where they were in Ishbal.

After a year of searching and finding nothing, Marcas decided to give up and go home. However, on the last day he was staying, he found a secret entrance. It was a gigantic library, filled with a mass amount of volumes.

Volumes of alchemy. He stayed for a few months, studying the alchemy books that he found in the library. After looking through one volume, he found a series of letters. Letters from his father.

And where they went.

Thus, Marcas went off to find his mother and father.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by XNinjaRed on Wed Mar 31, 2010 1:36 am

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:Ash's bio has been edited.

*Slices self, kisses everything she had for those marvelous two years goodbye: those thirty some stories, those best times ever with best friends...*
You know, just by stripping her off her powers does not in anyway solve the problem, although she at least lost the Mary Sue thing.
Still, all I'm saying are suggestions. If you are like me and willing to go back to the drawingboard, then go ahead, I've rewritten my own stuff all the way from the start again by sheer willpower. But if you're not able to let go of your mary sue story, go ahead.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by Ash The Hedgehog on Wed Mar 31, 2010 5:55 pm

XNinjaRed wrote:
Ash The Hedgehog wrote:Ash's bio has been edited.

*Slices self, kisses everything she had for those marvelous two years goodbye: those thirty some stories, those best times ever with best friends...*
You know, just by stripping her off her powers does not in anyway solve the problem, although she at least lost the Mary Sue thing.
Still, all I'm saying are suggestions. If you are like me and willing to go back to the drawingboard, then go ahead, I've rewritten my own stuff all the way from the start again by sheer willpower. But if you're not able to let go of your mary sue story, go ahead.

Well, what is there left?
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by XNinjaRed on Thu Apr 01, 2010 5:01 am

Look. let me compare this to my own characters.

You have to realize, I in no way was telling you needed to remove all her powers. I wasn't even saying Powers are bad, that's why I brought up about Sonic to begin with.

What I found wrong was that she just had random powers that just come out of nowhere.
Forcefields, Invisibility, Make things explode. They just didn't cooperate with eachother. They weren't variations from one thing, it's just random powers.

I already compared it to Sonic and Spider-man, but now I'll bring in my own character: Rocky Raienryu. He has only one main power and it's a very simple one: The ability to think-on-the-fly AKA Improvisation. It's a very simple "power" but with only that he can do a lot of things that logically binds with it.

Say he grabs a bottle and smashes it against an enemy's head to break it in half and then use the bottle as a stabbing weapon. That's not a new random power, that's just something that naturally comes with his ability to improvise. Say he is thrown out of a speeding car that was on it's way to a secret base, but he just happened to have a hook or something to make him cling to the car while acting he was thrown out of it so he would let them lead him to their secret base without them knowing. Again, that's not a random new power, that's just him using what he happened to have and make the best of it, aka improvising. From just one power he's able to do a lot of things.

Now on to the topic about what I meant about your character not being interesting, she's too perfect. Or rather she HAS it too perfect. What I mean is that she doesn't seem to have issues (or at least not ones you put in the Character Sheet and again have to refer to your story which again is not how it works) that actually makes me interested in her. I'm not saying she's the perfect girl to date or anything, I'm just saying that too many good things go to her. Or at least that's what the Character sheet says, which again SHOULDN'T happen. Don't go pointing me to your story again, because if bad stuff happens with her, show it to me in the Character sheet.

Think of it this way, would you rather read about a hero who always has friends helping him win fights, or an anti-hero who lost a lot of fights, friends and self-confidence but still fights for what he believes in. I don't know about you, but I'd rather go for the anti-hero.

Let's bring up the example of my character, Rocky, again. For one thing he's unable to co-operate with anyone except his brother, Jack. He always works alone or with just Jack, and that's BEFORE he learned to fight. After he learned to fight and kill, he slowly lost touch with anyone who even slightly cared about him. By the time he lost the love of his life, he became emotionless and doesn't care about anything but to do what he thinks should be done, even if that means killing his own brother who was always there for him. He gave up all that. People find it interesting to see how he slowly and slowly become almost more of a villain then a hero, thus blurring the line between Good and Bad.

Some readers would want to read further to see if he actually will regain his humanity after something inspires him again, while other readers would want to read further to see if he just dies a lonely death. It's a deconstruction about Character Development in general. He keeps losing more of his emotions while gaining more abilities to fight. You'll ask yourself whether you would make that trade too or not.

Now on to relationships. If the characters simply have a relationship just like that with a snap of a finger, people wouldn't care. People want to see buildup, or challenges.

I'll compare this with two of my characters. First again is Rocky. The only one besides his brother who was able to get him to show any emotion at all is a girl named Katherine. Thing is, while he likes her, she finds out his secret of what he does to people he thinks deserves it AKA killing them. She knows he has major issues, but the interesting thing is she doesn't mind. What she does mind is that she doesn't want to look for a relationship as long as she hasn't found her Big Brother. Apparently she is looking for her big brother and doesn't want a relationship, yet doesn't mind that she saw Rocky killing people. Naturally, this is VERY suspicious. She eventually died without explaining anything to him. Only later did Rocky find another much younger girl, who he adopts as his little sister. She saw that he regularly kills "bad" people, and being the pure child she is, she's unable to see the wrong in it. She grows up thinking it's the right thing to do. Rocky called her Katherine, after the love of his life. Eventually she was kidnapped and used to test an unstable time-portal without Rocky's permission. She is zapped back in time and thus grew up to be in fact the same Katherine Rocky fell in love with in the past. So the big brother she was looking for was Rocky, she just didn't recognize him because she remembers him to be older.

Now I just put a whole plot there. But what would I put in the character sheet?
I'll just put this:
Character: Rocky
Crush: Katherine
Crush on him: No one

Character: Katherine
Crush: Her "Big Brother"
Crush on her: Rocky
Just simple as that. Just by reading that in the character sheet, you just know there is a problem without hearing the story. People will either root for Rocky and hope he can get Katherine to like him, or they will root for Katherine to find her "Big Brother" who unbeknown to the readers at the time is actually an older Rocky.

Now, I in NO way am saying that a well written relationship having to be a depressing one. You can write a happy relationship well too. The thing is that even THOSE relationship, like in real life, will have problems, whether if it's to GET to the relationship or it happens BECAUSE they're in a relationship.

That is why I will now tell Jack's relationship.
The thing is that he at first HAS no crush. Unlike Rocky, he's able to keep his emotions after learning to fight and kill, only he has no respect for the authorities and steals things of people he doesn't care about. What happened was him literally stealing candy from a 10 year old girl who was walking in the city. Seeing how in his opinion she's just someone he doesn't know and thus he doesn't care if she's mad at him, and he was hungry, he just nonchalantly grabbed it from her hands while casually walking across her. The interesting thing is that the next day she actually followed him when she found him again walking in the city. Her name is Chii. She doesn't seem to have any parents with her, which is suspicious and irrelevant to this example so I won't explain it here. Eventually he just took care of her, and she starts to take a liking to him. He actually doesn't mind. If she was older, he'd actually consider dating her. Only "problems" are her age and that he doesn't like the idea of being seen as a pedophile (and nobody does). So he just waits. And wouldn't you know it, in the far future they ARE married. Happily even.

Now how would I put that in the character sheets?
Character: Jack
Crush: No one
Crush on him: Chii

Character: Chii
Crush: Jack
Crush on her: No one
VERY straightforward. It gives us a little obstacle, and people are in no doubt rooting for Chii.

See, what I'm saying is that in a Character Sheet, you only need to tell the basics of the character. The basics will be in detail, but they're still basics.

But don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean you should just think of something just too casually. Don't go giving small justifications if something is the basic of a character. If Chii would join Rocky or Jack's Ninja Clan, I must say WHY she joined it and WHY the clan even accepted her. And the "why"s shouldn't just be small justifications either. I wouldn't say the clan just happened to have a kids section where she can learn with all the other kids. I think that would be ridiculous to write that, but if I HAD to then I would put the justification that after a Ninja War where they've proven that kids would be less suspicious to the enemies, they would be able to sneak into places adults can't. I myself don't like that justification or the idea of a kids section in general but at least I gave a reason why there's suddenly a kids section in the first place!

Now see, these characters weren't just written in one time either.
I had to rewrite them several times even if I came up with a long story about their previous incarnations in more then two years. I still have rewritten them without grief at all, you know why? Because I'd rather have a short GOOD story then a long BAD story.

Before redesigns, Rocky had the ability to control lightning and black holes. Jack had the ability to control fire and black holes. As you can see, I removed these because they didn't add anything to the story at all, and it's much more enjoyable to see them improvise and think of how to defeat a big monster on the beach with nothing but the electricity inside several cars and the sea then letting them simply zap the monster with Lightning or Burn it with fire. It shows more skill in the writer and doesn't simply give them new powers to be able to beat the monster.

Basically, rewriting things is part of a good writer. Being unable to let go of some story you thought of when you were ten does nothing but hold you back.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by Ash The Hedgehog on Thu Apr 01, 2010 2:40 pm

1. I am ten. I came up with Ash when I was seven or eight, but that's besides the point.
2. Ash's parents died when she was four. She does not have it perfect. She shields her emotions to make herself look strong.
3. Being able to improvise is not a power. Hell, I can improvise just like that--except that hook thing? Who produces a hook from their hands? Truly, that's just a powerless person who's smart.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by XNinjaRed on Thu Apr 01, 2010 6:12 pm

Ash The Hedgehog wrote:1. I am ten. I came up with Ash when I was seven or eight, but that's besides the point.
2. Ash's parents died when she was four. She does not have it perfect. She shields her emotions to make herself look strong.
3. Being able to improvise is not a power. Hell, I can improvise just like that--except that hook thing? Who produces a hook from their hands? Truly, that's just a powerless person who's smart.
Are you just acting like you don't get what I'm saying?

1. Yes, that IS beside the point.
2. Oh well whaddya know. And this wasn't important enough to put in the character sheet because... ?
3. THAT'S! THE! POINT! Improvisation is not a real "power" yet he's still able to do a lot with it without bordering on Mary Sue trait! What I'm saying is that making him able to use force fields or invisibility, so called "real powers" he basically loses what makes him interesting. Do you know why people prefer Batman over Superman? Because the only "Super Power" Batman has is his friggin brain!

I could've used any other character I had who had "real powers", but Rocky just happened to be the one that was redesigned the most, so there.

And I meant the hook thing in that he happened to have it, or found it in the car. I don't know, it was a random example. I was in no way saying he has hooks for an arm.

Really, for a "Fancharacters Improvement topic" you sure aren't open to the criticism. All I see right now is you dodging the criticisms and go nitpick on stuff that are irrelevant.
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by SonicFanPS2 on Fri Apr 02, 2010 2:27 pm

Now, now, children. Please stop arguing.

Ash, if this is "The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!" as you say it is, the point of the topic is obviously to be open to any criticisms that would help your character. Instead, you're saying that XNinjaRed is bashing you and your character, even though he's just trying to help.

Ninja, on the other hand, you're going a bit too far with the improvement topic. Really, you wrote something like an essay for just one fan character. A few tips would be just fine, but an entire essay is like overkill. However, if you do that at school, I'm sure the teachers are happy.

Now come on guys, tone things down a bit. And no one has bothered to give our fan characters any tips either!
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by SchnickelMatt on Fri Apr 02, 2010 7:29 pm

I feel a slight uneasiness in the presence of a 10 year old.....
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Re: The Fancharacter Improvement Topic!

Post by Lan Prower Kopaka on Sat Apr 03, 2010 1:52 pm

Well, I do think X has some good points to consider. After all, one would want to improve their writing skills. Granted, it was a bit much, but Ash is tough enough; she can handle it, and better yet, learn from it to become a much better writer. As one should expect, this topic could get intense, so be careful.

I might as well contribute a profile I still have. I had loads more...but oh no, my laptop died. Mad So this is all by memory.

Full name: Eggrobo Advance
Nickname: Eggrobo
Gender: Male Programming
Race: Android
Age: 0 (Deceased)
Color: Grey head, red upper body, black lower body
Eye Color: Red
Shoes: Black I guess, not really shoes
Favorite Color: Uh.....Red?
Clothes: Nothing I think
Attitude: Extremely loyal to Robotnik, with an almost human personality, however, due to his design focusing on strategic planning and thus lacking combat support, he becomes a coward when unarmed.
Likes: Dr. Eggman, the Eggman Empire, and victory
Dislikes: Sonic and friends, failure, being called short or fat
Powers: None.
Weapon: A standard Eggrobo pistol-blaster.
Theme Song: Uh.....Robotnik's Theme Music (Sonic & Knuckles)
Backstory: Basically, Robotnik wanted a second-in-command after E-10000R was bashed up in Riders, so he remade an Eggrobo into this. Eggrobo Advance is by far one of his most intelligent creations, but was flawed like all the others. Eggrobo was incorporated into Operation Hyper Phi, a plan that would have successfully launched Robotnikland, but failed due to one loose end. Eggrobo Advance was killed by Team Chaotix members Charmy Bee and Vector the Crocodile inside the ruins of the Egg Carrier 3 while attempting to escape Team Chaotix. Due to his lack of combat skill and personality faults, his design and superior technology was abandoned for the more conventional yet inferior model seen in Sonic & Knuckles.
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